I think I will scream

How can a few hours it just all fall apart and i am thinking....I need a pill...quiet...a cigarette...something!!!!!!!!!!! Nathanael has RSV. He is improving but now James is acting like he has it too. The breathing machine is not working. i called the company. They have a on call service. They are telling me there is a little piece that goes in the medicine holder. I am like there is not anything in the box. So now they are on the way to the house. I am wondering much that will cost. James has cried and coughed. I got some Tylenol in him for pain and he has passed out. He has not had cereal or bottle so not sure how long he will sleep. The poor little guy he was barking and barking and you can tell it was really hurting his throat. So i am driving home from my mom's with a crying baby in the back and a broken breathing machine thinking..."I cant do this again." I call my husband and just cry and cry. He of course is calm and all i can tell him is come home as soon as possible. I mean people ask how do you do it with twins. I just say, "oh its not that bad." Honestly...it is bad when it is bad. I get home...unpack the boys..put James to bed...put Nate in the bouncy and my cousin calls. She is crying in CVS because her boyfriend had a car accident with her son in the car. They are all alright but she has having that moment oh crap..it could have been worse. I then have to suck up all my tears because I am reminded that really these issues will pass and i needed to not focus on me. I gave some words of encouragement and pray. I gather myself and the urge for pills and cigarettes have passed. I then feel the pangs of hunger and realize i have not ate since lunch and it is 9pm. Then my husband calls and says..."whats up?" If he even had a clue!